In my last post, I talked about how a mindfulness practice allows us to settle into this moment. I like this phrase – settling in – so I want to dissect it a little bit, and then offer a practice to help.
You’ve probably heard about the benefits of mindfulness: feeling more relaxed, more focused, happier. And it’s no surprise, because there’s a lot of research to support this. What’s lost, sometimes, is that these wonderful qualities are more like side-effects. And if we focus too much there, we risk making mindfulness a means to an end, or an escape from what already exists.
So I want to be clear about one thing: mindfulness is not an escape. In fact, it’s the opposite. It’s a way of rooting ourselves plainly and truthfully in our world, even if that world is not pleasant. Instead of resisting our current reality, we settle into it.
Take a moment to think of something unpleasant that’s happened to you lately. (And I don’t mean mega-unpleasant -- I’m talking around 5 out of 10.)
Got one?
It’s sort of like being thrown into a lake in the dark. At first, you might panic a bit, or thrash about. Your attention might be consumed by the coldness of the water or your wet clothes. What if, instead, you just let yourself float for a moment. And what if you gently lowered your feet and realized you could touch the bottom. And as you stood there, your eyes adjusted to the dark and you slowly walked out of the water. Would you be any less wet or cold? No. The problems in your life will still exist. But you might just take the edge off. And it might not seem quite so personal.
Mindfulness doesn’t magically get rid of the cold, wet lake, and it won’t get rid of your problems. But a steady practice might give you the tools to see your place in the lake a little more clearly.
It will allow you, in other words, to settle in to the current moment, even if (especially if) that moment isn’t all unicorns and rainbows.
If, on the other hand, it is unicorns and rainbows, by all means, ride that unicorn over the rainbow! No need to focus on your breathing there.
PRACTICE
This practice is inspired by Tim Desmond and his book, How to Stay Human in a F*cked Up World. If you want a candid, down-to-earth account of mindfulness, start there.
When you’re feeling something unpleasant, instead of resisting it or distracting yourself with the latest Great British Bake-Off (does anyone else feel like Sura has the most expressive eyes ever?), try settling into it instead.
Sitting in a comfortable position, get in touch with what you’re feeling. If it’s anger, let the anger be in you, and notice how it’s inhabiting your body. If there’s tightness, for example, move your attention through the parts of your body that might be tight.
Or if it’s anxiety, allow yourself to walk toward it rather than away from it (no easy task!), and notice how it might manifest. Maybe you grow warm, or feel queasy.
Just sitting with those emotions and their physical manifestations is an exercise in mindfulness. Accepting that they are part of the human condition, and giving yourself permission to feel them, is a liberating choice, and may soften the discomfort.
And here’s the key: once we acknowledge that those emotions are in us, we can also realize that they are simply a PART of us, and that they don’t DEFINE us. We can feel anger without being an angry person. We can feel sadness without being depressed. (Or you may be depressed, in which case it’s worth exploring therapies specifically designed for that -- see below.)
Desmond compares settling into discomfort to holding a crying baby. When we’re holding a crying baby, we understand that it’s the baby’s job to cry. It’s natural. We
may try to soothe it, but we don’t expect it to stop crying right away. We love the baby no matter what. Same with our uncomfortable emotions. We can accept those feelings with tenderness, and give ourselves permission to feel them. “OK, anxiety, I see you there, and I’m just going to hold you in my arms and let you be however you need to be.”
So the practice is basically one of shifting our perspective: we're becoming a witness to our own emotions, and exploring them with curiosity and kindness (these are two BIG words in mindfulness practice -- more on them in a future post). This subtle shift -- from prisoner to witness -- allows us to connect with other parts of ourselves, and recognize that we can't be reduced to a single emotion. As you begin to hold your emotions with kindness, what other tendencies arise in you? Explore with curiosity...
This is what Tara Brach calls “radical acceptance.” Anger, fear, anxiety: they're all borne of suffering somewhere. And the best thing for suffering is compassion. It takes practice, but you can start doing it today. All you need is a quiet place and some discomfort.
Caveat: this is NOT intended for traumatic experiences, or discomfort that you’d rate as a 9 or 10 on a 10-point scale. If you consistently have that kind of suffering in your life, you may consider seeing a professional psychologist. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, in particular, dovetails nicely with a mindfulness practice, as they both explore patterns of thinking that may be unhealthy, and give you tools to step outside those patterns.
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