Every night at dinner, before we eat, our family holds hands for a moment of silence. We end it with a squeeze that ripples around the table. Our kids (now 9 and 5) have been doing it since they were born. Our friends and family now do it as a matter of habit when we’re eating together.
As the kids got older, they inevitably wondered what “happened” during that silence when everyone closed their eyes. For me, it’s a moment to slow down and settle: I give thanks for the food in front of us, I give thanks for the people at the table, and I send health and well-being to the people in the world who need it.
It was sort of surprising to me how quickly the kids adopted this tradition. My daughter has even mimicked the deep breath I sometimes take during that moment (though I wasn’t aware I was taking a deep breath until she started doing it). And it’s also become a source of family fun. When we’re eating with my father, he’ll frequently tease, “I saw someone with their eyes open!” To which my son will reply, “How do you know?”
This gratitude thing is pretty popular these days, and there are good reasons. It works. In fact, I’d say it’s about the closest thing we’ve got to a silver bullet. While so many studies on character strengths can only show a correlation between a particular trait and well-being, we have multiple studies indicating that a gratitude practice can enhance well-being -- a causal relationship. We’re talking reduced stress and depression, enhanced immune functioning, lower blood pressure, and a host of other benefits. And even after “practicing” gratitude for a short time, the effects can last for months. It’s the holy grail.
Why? Gratitude does a few things. According to Robert Emmons, the world’s foremost researcher on gratitude, it dampens toxic emotions like resentment and jealousy. Try to resent someone you’re grateful for. Relatedly, it widens our perspective, so we see the positive in things even if there’s also negative. And finally, it connects us to something outside ourselves, whether that’s other people or a higher power. That sense of connection is also related to well-being
There are a couple of well-known ways to develop a sense of gratitude. The first is a gratitude letter. It’s as simple as it sounds. Write a letter to someone you’re grateful for, and tell them what you appreciate about them. I usually show this video to my students before asking them to do it. And I also explain how awkward it was for me to read my letter to the person I wrote it to, but how great it felt afterward, and how it really solidified the foundation of that relationship for years to come.
Another well-known practice is called “Three Good Things,” and you’ll get a taste of that in the practice at the end of this post.
But here’s the thing: just like mindfulness in general, gratitude isn’t a thing you do so much as a way you are. The seated mindfulness practice we have is simply the bedrock for bringing mindfulness out into the world, for transforming how we interact with others and make the thousands of choices we have to make every day. Same with gratitude. It’s a mindset we carry with us, albeit one that can be developed with a practice.
Emmons speaks eloquently to this point in a lecture at a Learning and the Brain conference. I was fortunate enough to see him there, and asked Dr. Emmons a question straight from one of my students who was researching gratitude at the time. Here’s his response.
To help build the mindset he’s talking about, you can start with this practice, called Three Good Things. It was created by Martin Seligman, one of the pioneers of Positive Psychology. Some people solidify it by writing it out in a gratitude journal, while others keep it casual by including it in a reflective practice like this.
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